How do I know this is God’s plan?

“Are you sure this is what God wants you to do?” my wife asked.   At the time she asked, I had serious doubts. 

I had committed to teaching for a year in the spiritual direction certificate program at Divine Mercy University.  The course was, “Advanced Prayer and Complex Situations”.  Aside from the weighty title, the bulk of the class was coaching and supervising students as they began actual practice as spiritual directors – right in my wheelhouse. 

To get familiar with the online technology and university practices, the semester before I was to start, I assisted another teacher in a different class, “Discernment and Spiritual Growth”. 

That’s when the problems began, and the doubts flooded in. 

The first sign of trouble came when I needed to record a short, introductory video.  I hadn’t had any practice with this media, and was a little unnerved at seeing myself, flaws and all.  I strived for perfection and spent hours trying to get a 6-minute video introduction.  With my spotty internet, the upload failed, and I re-recorded again and again until I got one to take.

That was the beginning of a cascade of problems.  I had trouble setting up my university Zoom account.  My first Zoom invitation had the wrong meeting ID.  A few days before my Zoom meeting, my laptop died.  Some other commitments made it hard to stay on top of the material and the grading, so I felt like I was always behind.  I received some discouraging news from my doctor. 

My lead teacher was knowledgeable, articulate, and gifted – a blessing.  But with all of the difficulty getting started, and the self-doubt I was feeling, I felt out of place – like a boxer getting pummelled in the ring who was paired up with a ballerina lithely dancing through the curriculum. 

I started looking ahead with dread to the next class I was to teach.  The demon of ‘not enough’ began to speak loudly:  “Look at you:  Not enough time. Not enough brainpower.  Not enough discipline.  Not enough talent.  Not enough tech-savvy.  Not enough energy…”  The accusing voice combined with the voice of seduction.  “If you drop this commitment, think of what you could do with this extra time.  Think of the naps you could take.”

Even with all of these signs, I forged ahead and taught my first solo class at the university.  I followed Saint Ignatius’ advice in the discernment of spirits.  Never make a change when you are in desolation to a resolution you made when in consolation.  (Rule 5) 

That was three months ago.  I finished my solo teaching assignment.  In the end of the course survey, the students were extremely grateful for my experience and praised my gentle accompaniment.  I was in the right place, exactly where God wanted me to be. 

In hindsight, I initially heard the reassuring voice of the Lord saying, “Just do it.  You have something important to offer.  It will also make you a better spiritual director.”  In contrast, the voice of the enemy brought about panic, urgency, and self-doubt, even self-loathing.  “You are not enough.”  Someone once told me the devil always overplays his hand.  With the wave of one assault after another, this was certainly true in this case. 

Two bits of advice to discern God’s plan.  One, listen to the voice that sounds like the voice of the Good Shepherd.  Two, if you’re not sure, remember Rule 5:  Never make a change when you’re in desolation.